Jokes I stole off the internet.

Jokes I stole off the internet.

  • A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
  • A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
  • All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.
  • Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
  • Broken pencils are pointless.
  • Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
  • Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there’s no pop quiz.
  • Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
  • Earthquake in Washington – obviously government’s fault.
  • Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.
  • England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
  • Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
  • How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
  • How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
  • I changed my iPod name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.
  • I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
  • I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
  • I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
  • I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
  • I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
  • I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
  • I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
  • I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
  • I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.
  • I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
  • I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.
  • Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
  • PMS jokes aren’t funny, period.
  • They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.
  • This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
  • Velcro – what a rip off!
  • Venison for dinner? Oh deer!
  • What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
  • What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.
  • When chemists die, they barium.
  • When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
  • Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Do you remember the schoolyard game of British Bulldog?

20140105-092115.jpg

A brutal game played by British and Canadian school kids. Usually played on a soccer field by anywhere between 10 and 100 players.

All of the players would start at one end of the field and a single kid was selected be the lone “bulldog” ; he would stand centre field.

(the bulldog either volunteered because he was a nuts or was forced to do it by the rest of the kids).

The people at the end of the field would then attempt to reach the other end of the field. The job of the bulldog was to take as many people down as possible. Unlike other violent games such as rugby there are no rules as to how you can take someone down. Tripping and flying kicks are both perfectly acceptable.

Anyone the bulldog manages to take down are now bulldogs and stand in the middle for the next round. The game continues in the same fashion until some unfortunate mug is the only one standing at the end of the field and has to attempt to run past 100 kids who want to take him down by any means necessary.

The game ends when someone is seriously injured, a fight breaks out or the teachers come out and remind you that this game has been banned for a very long time

some_kid: Lets play British Bulldog
99_other_kids: Yeah!!
20 minutes later an ambulance arrives